hi, i’m heorhii.
i run sometimes and consider it a idiotic activity. maybe i’m idiot.
i live in lithuania, work in factory and raise 2 kids. i’m also an old friend of 4t2. totally useless for brand, but we have what we have. i decided to write a diary of my training for a month, because i need to sort out my thoughts a little. it didn’t work. my thoughts became even more confused. ugly notes.
enjoy reading (sorry in advance).
17 march / 50 km on trail
i'm never confident i'll finish a long run. my legs can handle a lot, but i'm a person without discipline, motivation, or a burning desire for self-improvement. i simply exist, like a plant. almost the only reason i run is to drown in my thoughts like in swamp, undistracted by conversations with people around me, escaping from problems and worries. my hours of self-flagellation, pity and disgust.
today i finished a long one. there are no emotions, just a job well done, with a medium level of suffering.
18 march / 11 km in city
my left leg is giving way during the process. i like it when it's difficult, it's interesting when it hurts. i don't like it when it's difficult, i don't always have desire to fight. i like it when it's difficult. i don't like it when it's difficult.
19 march / 7 km in city
i'm learning to suffer, learning to find comfort in discomfort. my body is still stiff and wooden after a long run. door creaks on its legs.
22 march / 11 km in city
my diary doesn't contain text, it's a barking of stray dog.
23 march / 20 km in city
if i have a heart attack during long run, it won't be the worst outcome of my life and will make me smile (if i survive).
24 march / 15 km on trail
trail surfing here. running this route 2-3 times a month over the past year, i've met, i don't know, no more than three people. my little quiet corner, my comfort zone amidst swamps and mud.
28 march / 20 km trail
i train exclusively on tired legs. i don't remember what freshness and lightness feel like. i don't know if i ever will. main goal isn't to run a specific number of kilometers or maintain a specific pace, but to learn to ignore the constant fatigue, to find a common language with it, and to learn to coexist peacefully.
29 march / 20 km in city
i remembered running camino de santiago in spain, in a small provincial town on carnival day, 2024. between stands selling socks, balloons and churros. it was second day of running, about 170 km into the route. eyes half-closed from fatigue, headache, hunched back, legs like jelly and smell of someone showering in a sink. i left my dignity at home and donned a traveler's donkey mask. the stinkier it is, the more fun it is. it almost always works.
30 march / 13 km in city
i look hunched and tense. my body is bound by sleepless nights and factory work. i feel like an old, slow tractor. i move, move for a long time, far and everywhere, but i'm slow and heavy.
3 april / 15 km in city
three night shifts in a row. 11 hours of sleep out of the last 72. i get home at 8am. hurriedly, behind closed doors in the kitchen, eat three-day-old pasta and drink old still coke. kids just woke up, i'm changing leo's diaper; +1°c. after first 2 kilometers, it feels like 20 km behind me. no pleasure - pure pleasure. no benefit, i hurt myself and go deeper into it. the more pain, the more fun. the more pain, the more fun. the more pain, the more fun. today everyone was ahead of me.
4 april / 25 km on trail
for breakfast shot of whiskey with dad, coffee and sausage sandwiches. before the start another large cup of coffee on an already empty stomach. today i'm a sturdy machine that's being fueled with bad fuel and my engine will suddenly run out of juice. look for me on the outskirts of the road, somewhere in a ditch. my mood is as calm as a dead horse. i want another drink. speed up last 3-4 kilometers of each long run, wanting it all to be over as quickly as possible.
4 april / 8 km on trail
four hours later i'm back outside. for lunch two shots of liqueur, a piece of cake and a potato casserole. i don't know where i get the strength from, but i'm almost certain i'll feel lousy tomorrow. another mistake to add to my list. i'm running at sunset, thinking about another piece of cake.
5 april / 14 km on trail
big dog is running after me. i'm not afraid anymore, i'm tired of being afraid. i stop and talk to it. i'm not dangerous, i don't have the strength for aggression or anger, i'm a trash bag floating downstream. dog lets me go.
11 april / 0 km
week without running. i'm sick, my kids and wife are sick. my backyard ultra training plan could be burned, but i'm taking it all in with smile. when everything is burning around me, there's nothing left to do but smile like an idiot. i planned to run 120 km today, but instead i'm lying on the floor, suffering from overeating cookies and waffles and listening to an endless symphony of coughs.
13 april / 13 km in city
my legs are working like jackhammers, my breathing is like someone with 20 years experience in prison. it's funny how big gap is between my plans and expectations for myself and my current physical condition. in 18 days i'll run 160 km.
14 april / 11 km on trail
the closer it gets to the race, the calmer i feel. there's almost nothing i can do; you won't get any stronger in two weeks. just breathe deeply, eat less crap food, don't make any sudden movements and spend time with your family. i always break these rules.
15 april / 11 km on trail
calm is strong. be a deadpan bastard when everything is falling apart around you. krovostok: "when you don't know what to do, be like the sopranos. even if you are not a soprano, be like the sopranos. like the sopranos, if you are feeling shitty and down."
18 april / 50 km on city/trail
my lesson in the school of suffering. slow and steady. slow and steady. slow and steady. everyday life disrupts impulse control, long run restores it. perfectly terrible feeling. a very rare sense of accomplishment inevitably comes with physical pain.
i guess i just enjoy testing myself and hurting myself. but at the same time, i'm too cowardly and indecisive to go really far and get as close to my limit as possible. or i'm weak.
